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演讲者：Kristin Jones
演讲题目：Why children stay silent following sexual violence
A few weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years. From the time that I was 14 years old until I was 16, I was sexually assaulted. It was scary and confusing. It was humiliating. And even though I can genuinely say that my mom and I have always had a close relationship, I never told her. Even with recent movements bringing the topics of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation, I stayed silent. And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too," there were countless others who didn't ... who still haven't. Why didn't those people speak up earlier? Why didn't I? Because of the shame. Because of that feeling inside telling me that what happened to me was my fault.
几周前，我和我母亲促膝长谈，告诉她一件我隐瞒了22年的往事。从十四岁开始一直到十六岁那段时间，我持续遭受性侵。除了惶恐、困惑，我也觉得很羞耻。即使我能打从心底说我们母女关系始终很亲密，我从未提起这件事。即使最近的改革浪潮将性虐待和性侵带入主流讨论中，我仍然保持沉默。我保证，相对于每一个勇敢说出“我也是”的人，还有无数保持缄默的人……或者尚未出声。那些人为什么不早点说出来？我为什么不早点说出来？因为羞耻感。因为内在有个声音告诉我发生在我身上是我的错。
We all hear that voice sometimes. It tells us things like, you are aren't good enough, you aren't smart enough ... you can't give a TED talk. We hear that voice, and it becomes difficult to hear anything else. We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us -- how they will judge us if they found out our darkest secrets. Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.
所有人都曾听到那个声音。通常是说：你不够好，你不够聪明……你不能去TED演讲。一旦那个声音出现，就掩盖掉其他的声音。我们开始苦恼别人会怎么想，他们会怎么评判我们——如果他们发现那些我们隐埋深处的秘密。羞耻感可以强大到成为我们的一部分。
I told my mom what happened to me and one of the first things that she said was, "Oh, Kristin, I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years." She could see it before I could. My shame was so deep-rooted that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect in every other area of my life. Trying to build the perfect family, the perfect career, by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside. I have been trying my entire life to orchestrate how the world perceives me, because inside I haven't felt good enough. She always said that I burned the candle at both ends, and now she knew why.
我把我的遭遇告诉母亲后，她第一个反应就是：“喔，克莉丝汀，我一直很好奇是什么原因这么多年来驱使你努力不懈。”原来她比我还早知道。为了弥补那个根深蒂固的羞耻感，我拼命在人生的每个面向追求完美。努力打造完美的家，完美的职业生涯，试图借由取得控制权来平衡我内心的混乱。始终不断打造世人眼中所看到的我，只因为内心深处觉得自己不够好。母亲总说我蜡烛两头烧，她终于明白为什么了。
Some people may be more prone to shame than others, but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate. It has the ability to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts. Why? Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own: our bodies.
有些人的羞耻感比他人强，但性虐待对所有人一视同仁。它就是能让最自信的人充满痛苦、负面的想法。为什么？因为它剥夺了我们某种控制权──一个真正完全属于自己的事物──我们的身体。
I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began. As I tried to make sense of what happened to me, I thought to myself: this is all my fault. I didn't say "no" good enough. Next time, I'll say "no" better. I've questioned why that was my go-to response and why my shame was so deep and heavy that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long. And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children, I constantly wonder what I can do and what we can all do as a society to get ahead of the shame and instead empower our children to know without a doubt that sexual abuse isn't their fault.
从一开始，就有个想法一直在我脑中，挥之不去。只要我开始想为什么我会遭到性侵，那个念头就出现：一切都是我的错。我说“不”说得不够。下次，我要把“不”说得更好。我曾经质疑过为什么自己如此反应，以及为什么我的羞耻感如此深、如此沉重，深沉到让我隐瞒这么久才说出真相。现在我是家长了，有两个很棒的孩子， 我经常怀想自己能做什么，以及我们整个社会能怎么做，不让羞耻感占上风，而且让我们的下一代明确有力地知道发生性侵事件不是他们的错。
Dr. Brené Brown, who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability, calls shame the most powerful master emotion. And I couldn't agree more. Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted or in some other way victimized by adults turn in on themselves and experience intense internal pain.
布芮尼•布朗博士深入研究了羞耻感和软弱，她说羞耻感是最强大的“主控”情绪。我再同意不过了。羞耻感能让遭受到性侵或被大人以其他方式伤害的孩子把自己与外界隔离，同时内在感受到强烈的痛苦。
But think about that. Isn't that incredibly unfair? Haven't we failed as a society when the end result is a child feeling shame? Shouldn't it be the perpetrators? Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done? Instead, they prey on the shame of children and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault. The person who violated me fed my shame and I played right into it, becoming a knot of tortured silence for many years.
但是，你想想看，那不是极不公平吗？当最终的结果是孩子感到羞耻，那不是整个社会的失败吗？为什么不是犯罪者？他们才是该为自身行为感到羞耻的人，不是吗？反之，他们利用孩子的羞耻感，让他们以为被性侵是他们的错。侵犯我的人成功操纵了我的羞耻感，而我正中他下怀，多年下来，痛苦煎熬的沉默打成了一个死结。
But is that shame also my fault? Not as a victim but as a parent, who like so many of us, has unthinkingly said things to my children like, "Don't let anyone touch you; don't let anyone hurt you; don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim." As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children to take ownership of their bodies, but when we say "don't let anyone touch you," what we're really saying is "you are responsible for the actions of somebody else." We're treating this subject like it's something children can control, which is unrealistic, and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility in the mind of a child. An internal narrative that tells them it is their job to stop bad things from happening, that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions of someone who is usually bigger, stronger and older than they are. I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me and that made me blame myself. I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.
但那羞耻感也是我的错吗？撇开受害者身分，身为一个家长，我和许多人一样，都曾不经思索地对自己的孩子说：“别让任何人碰你；也别让任何人伤害你；别让自己陷入可能会受害的情况。”做为父母，我们以为这么说是让孩子知道身体是自己的主权，但是在说“别让任何人碰你”时，其实真正传达的讯息是：“你要为别人的行为负责。”我们把整件事说得好像孩子有控制权一样，这很不切实际，因为这样说反而是给孩子带来一种错误的责任感。仿佛一个内在的声音在说阻止坏事发生是他们的责任，即使还是小孩，也有责任去阻止他人的行为，对抗那些通常比他们高大、强壮、年长的人。这样的讯息听起来像是我应该要能阻止事情的发生，而这让我只能怪罪自己。因而产出也相信是我做错的想法。
I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children. I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe, but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things that I believed as a child -- that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me by saying "no," and therefore, if my "no" didn't work, that it was my fault. As a survivor, I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then: that there is nothing you can do to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of by someone who should know better.
我经常在想自己是否无意间也对我的孩子传达了同样的讯息。我想要保护自己的孩子并没错，但我可能错在不经意地将自己小时候相信的讯息灌输给他们，以为自己只要说“不”就可以阻止别人侵犯我，但是如此一来，如果我说的“不”没有奏效，那就变成我的错。身为幸存者，现在我想要告诉他们我当年渴望听到的讯息：在面对明知故犯的大人时，身为孩子的你不该责怪自己无能为力。
But at the same time, I want them to believe they have the power to stop someone from taking advantage of them. I want them to feel ownership of their bodies. I want to tell my kids that I can protect them, and I want to believe that. But buried beneath all those good intentions and motherly instincts is that same shame. If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault, doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?
但，同时，我也希望他们相信他们有能力可以阻止别人占他们便宜。我希望他们知道身体是属于自己的。我想要告诉我的孩子我能保护他们，我真的想要相信自己可以做到。但是立意良善及母亲的直觉之下埋藏着同样的羞耻感。在告诉我的孩子他们有能力预防遭受性侵时，不正是说当年的我应该也能做到吗？
We teach our children to say "no". I said "no" every time. And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work. That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea, just that it's not a solution. This is a scary concept to talk about, but it's a reality that we have to face and be honest about with our children. The more that I said "no," the more I prolonged the inevitable. It got to the point where I felt that if I just gave in and got it over with, at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be. That made me feel like a failure. I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away, and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt for not being strong enough to stop my abuse. Now I felt guilty for being weak. I felt guilty for being scared. I was supposed to be stronger. I was supposed to say "no" better. My "no" was supposed to be enough.
我们教导孩子如何说“不”。每次我也说“不”。但我很快就学到“不”不见得都有用。我不是说教孩子说“不”是错的，只是那不是解决方法。这个概念很难沟通，但这是我们必须面对的现实，必须与孩子开诚布公的事实。即使我一再说“不”去拖延时间，事情最终还是会发生。到最后我觉得，干脆屈服熬过去，至少到下次再发生前我能得到点平静。但这样做让我觉得彻底失败。因为对发生在自己身上的事只有全然的无力感，而任何想补救挽回的春秋大梦只是更加深自己的罪恶感和羞耻感，为什么我不够强硬阻止凌虐我的人。我为自己的软弱感到罪恶。我为自己的害怕感到罪恶。我本应更强硬一点的。我本应把“不”说得更响亮。我的“不”本应足以阻止一切。
Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them, it's not because they didn't prevent it nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no." Although it feels like it, sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum. It is enabled every single day by how our society misrepresents and conditions us to think about sexual violence: the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present, the victimization of victims and so much more. It is not just an individual problem, especially when some studies show that as many as one in four girls and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse at some point during childhood. And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.
现在我改变方式，告诉我的孩子，如果坏事发生了，绝对不是因为他们没有去防止，也不应该在说了“不”后 还得独力承担后果。性侵案感觉像是随机事件，但其实是有迹可循的。日常生活中，随时都可能发生，因为我们的社会扭曲也限制了我们对性暴力的了解：社会的性别规范、长久以来系统性地歧视女性、牺牲迫害受害者，太多原因了。这不仅是个人的问题，特别是当研究指出，平均每四个女孩就有一个，每十三个男孩中也有一个在童年的某阶段遭受到性虐待。这代表问题无法凭个人力量解决。
So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience and persevering, and overcoming obstacles, I make sure that they know strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone. In fact, there's strength in numbers and strength in asking for help.
于是，当我教导孩子勇气、毅力、锲而不舍和克服障碍时，我确保他们知道勇气并不代表独自面对挑战或只身承受绝望的感觉。事实上，团结就是力量，求助也是力量的表现。
I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak, but what I learned is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger. It made my shame start to dissipate. I teach my kids about courage, and I want them to know that courageous, strong people ask for help.
我对自己因为不想显得软弱而选择沉默感到羞耻，可是我现在了解了，谈论自已的遭遇只会让我变得更坚强。同时我的羞耻感开始消散。我教导我的孩子勇气，我希望他们知道，勇敢、坚强的人会适时求助。
I remember when I was little, my parents would walk me to the bus stop. They said it was to keep my safe, and I believed that. I remember always looking out for that white van that I had been warned about. But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused, I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall. I was violated by someone I knew.
我记得小时候，我父母会陪我走到公车站。他们说那是为了我的安全，我也相信。我也记得他们要我特别小心留意一辆白色箱型车。但就像九成遭到性虐待的孩童一样，我并不是在街角被掳走或是在购物中心被绑架。我是被熟人侵犯。
My parents did everything they could to protect me, but what none of us realized was the foundation of shame that was building inside when we talked about "stranger danger" and saying "no" and not becoming a victim. Of course this wasn't intentional. They did what all of us want to do as parents ... imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things, but the fact is we can't. And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims or even our loved ones. The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators. And pretending that it lies anywhere else not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility but also perpetuates shame for victims. And I for one am tired of being ashamed.
我父母已经尽全力保护我，但没人知道内在的羞耻感早就开始悄悄地建立，在我们讲到“危险陌生人”时，在学说“不”避免成为受害者时。当然，这并非他们的原意。他们只是做全天下父母都会做的事……以为我们能怎样保护孩子不碰到坏人，但实际上是不可能的。而且性侵害的问题也不会因为责怪受害者或潜在受害者就解决，包含我们所爱的人在内。真正该责怪的对象百分之百是犯罪者。当被怪罪的是其他人时，不仅让性侵者完全逃避责任，也带给受害者永难抹灭的羞耻感。而我真的厌倦了感到羞耻。
I'll be honest with you. I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk, but none of them felt right. And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here. There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box, tie it in a perfect bow, set it aside and call it done. This requires ongoing, open and sometimes uncomfortable conversations. And as much as I want to protect my children now, what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence any more than my parents could have protected me. But what I can protect them from is shame.
老实说，针对这场演讲，我写了 至少十种版本的结论，但没有一个感觉对的。我想原因应该是没有所谓的结论。这个问题无法被装盒包起来，打上完美的蝴蝶结，放到一边，就大功告成。这问题需要我们持续不断、公开地对话、无论感觉如何地不自在。无论我多想要保护我的孩子，我已经了解自己在保护他们不遇到性暴力这件事上，所能做的就跟当初我的父母一样。但是我可以保护他们不遭受羞耻感。
God forbid my children go through what I went through. I, at the very least, want them to know that sexual assault is not, never was and never will be their fault.
求上帝不让我的孩子遭遇我所经历的。至少，我希望他们知道，性侵不是，过去不是，未来即使发生也不会是他们的错。
Thank you.
谢谢。
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