文笔好不好，只读一小段：冯内古特的黑色幽默

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库尔特•冯内古特（Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007）是当代美国著名作家，以其黑色幽默的写作风格闻名。他的代表作《五号屠宰场 Slaughterhouse Five》以一个半玄幻半写实的手法，讲述了一个二战末期德国德莱斯顿大轰炸幸存者的故事，由于此前他就被囚禁在那里，所以这本书也被认为是他的半个自传体小说。

这里，我们选读书中的一段，来品味一下他的黑暗料理。这一段写了一个半吊子作家Trout和一个叫Maggie的bimbo （an attractive but stupid young woman）之间的一段对话，话题是从Trout 写过的最有名的作品说起。

The adulation that Trout was receiving, mindless and illiterate as it was, affected Trout like marijuana. He was happy and loud and impudent.

“I’m afraid I don’t read as much as I ought to,” said Maggie.

“We’re all afraid of something,” Trout replied. “I’m afraid of cancer and rats and Doberman pinschers.”

“I should know, but I don’t, so I have to ask,” said Maggie, “what’s most famous thing you ever wrote?”

“It was about a funeral for a great French chef.”

“That sounds interesting.”

“All the great chefs in the world are there. It’s a beautiful ceremony.” Trout was making this up as he went along. “Just before the casket is closed, the mourners sprinkle parsley and paprika on the deceased.” So it goes.

“Did that really happen?” said Maggie White. She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn’t had even one baby yet. She used birth control.

“Of course it happened,” Trout told her. “If I wrote something that hadn’t really happened, and I tried to sell it, I could go to jail. That’s fraud.”

Maggie believed him. “I’d never thought about that before.”

“Think about it now.”

“It’s like advertising. You have to tell the truth in advertising, or you get in trouble.”

“Exactly. The same body of law applies.”

“Do you think you might put us in a book sometime?”

“I put everything that happens to me in books.”

“I guess I better be careful what I say.”

“That’s right. And I’m not the only one who’s listening. God is listening, too. And on Judgement Day he’s going to tell you all the things you said and did. If it turns out they’re bad things instead of good things, that’s too bad for you, because you’ll burn forever and ever. The burning never stops hurting.”

Poor Maggie turned gray. She believed that, too, and was petrified.

Kilgore Trout laughed uproariously. A salmon egg flew out of his mouth and landed in Maggie’s cleavage.

这一段看上去平淡无奇，不过是个不得志的中年油腻文艺大叔和一个无脑的美女之间的扯闲篇。有些难得，文艺大叔在得到人们的赞许之后渐渐飘了起来，开始跟美女吹嘘自己那本不存在的作品：在一个大厨的葬礼上，世界上的著名厨子都来了，在盖上棺材盒子之前，厨子们向死去的大厨抛撒欧芹和红辣椒粉。这故事一听就是段子，可美女当真了。

顺带的，冯内古特把无脑美女描述了一番：She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn’t had even one baby yet. She used birth control.就这短短的几句让人忍俊不禁，一个bimbo跃然纸上。厉害的家伙就是这样，他们不动声色地、不带脏字地就把人给糟践了。

两人的话题就从刚才那个故事的真实与否继续下去：美女将信将疑，而文艺大叔既然编故事，干脆就借着酒劲把故事继续编下去，他哄骗美女说，自己讲的都是真实的故事。美女说，就像打广告，一定要讲实情，否则就会有麻烦。地球人都知道，“广告广告，广广来告”（广广是我们四川人的俗话，意思是傻子），可美女还一个劲儿地相信广告。然后，美女问大叔，你会不会把我们也写到你的书里面啊？大叔说，我会的。美女说，那我可要小心跟你说话了。大叔说，当然要小心啊，除了我俩，上帝也在一旁听着呢。到了审判日那天，他会一五一十地把你说过、做过的事情给你拉清单，如果你搞的都是坏事儿，会被火烧的，一直烧一直烧。

这可把美女吓坏了，而文艺大叔一阵坏笑，连一颗吃进嘴里的三文鱼籽都喷出来，稳稳地落在美女的cleavage上了。

黑色幽默常常是一本正经的扯淡，随便拿起一个话题就扯下去，扯得天荒地老的样子。

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