巴黎雷欧《情绪管理十二讲》第十一讲 社交障碍治疗——消除隔离 [原创]

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巴黎雷欧《情绪管理十二讲》第十一讲 社交障碍治疗——消除隔离 [原创]

第十一讲 社交障碍治疗——消除隔离

当我第一次来到法国巴黎时，我花了相当多的时间在社交上挣扎。让我解释一下到底发生了什么事。

我没有从我的祖国直接来到巴黎。我首先降落在法国西北部布列塔尼大区的首府，一个名叫雷恩的城市。

我在一所知名的高等商学院攻读硕士学位。社交生活温馨而轻松，即使我们大多数异国同学都在彻底地改变中。现在回想起来，我认为我们在学校有过很好的社交生活。我们一天中的大部分时间都在同一栋楼里，我们的专业都是相同的。我们去同一个咖啡店，在同一个桌球场上玩了一年。无论喜欢与否，我周围的很多人，通过最小的努力，社交生活很快就变得丰富多彩。

然而，我在高商校园之外的巴黎市的旅程，是一个完全不同的故事。我们是学生时，校园的日子是难忘的。一旦离开校园，我们将怀念昔日的美好时光。巴黎以艰难的方式教会了我。我收拾行李搬出校园，带着我的硕士学位，在巴黎郊区实习。前几个月非常紧张，我的工作有一个很深的学习曲线，每天晚上还要寻找可以安身的公寓。在巴黎获得一个住屋是一种令人难以置信的痛苦，像你的银行账户挣到3000万欧元，相信我。

最后，过渡时期结束了。我在一个舒适的小公寓里安顿下来，我知道我的工资将在月底到来，接下来的六个月都会这样。在达到这种相对稳定之后，我很快意识到我的社交生活非常枯燥。每天朝九晚五的工作没有给我任何朋友。我的同事们都比我大二十岁，而我这个年龄段的其他实习生分散在不同的服务中，我们很少相遇。下班后我回到家里，不再有通常的咖啡店，游泳池比赛和臭名昭著的桌球。那一刻，我意识到我在社会上处于死胡同。如果你在大学毕业后搬到城市，碰巧有一份工作不让你遇到很多不同的人，你就知道我的意思了。

从那以后，我开始寻找社会突破。我尝试了大大小小的派对，还有社交舞蹈、徒步旅行、健身房等。我真的不自豪地说，我花了很多年才从统计上理解，在现代环境中，我们几乎不会在各种一次性的社交聚会中结识朋友或结识伙伴。创造和管理社交生活，不比看起来很酷的Facebook内容更多。

最近，我和我的一位好朋友讨论了这个问题，对此有了更深入的了解。在社交圈里，他是一个非常受欢迎的家伙：法国里昂的一个活跃的攀岩社区。当我问他是如何取得这样一个社会成功的时候，他慢慢地坦诚地透露了全部真相。不，这不是一个房间里的孩子谁最帅气或谁最吵闹，让我们以我们俩为例，分解我们讨论中的关键点。

对于像我这样的书呆子来说，最初几年大部分时间都呆在家里，没有社交生活。这不是一个神话，我几乎没有社交存在，无论有多少人想要帮助，我都无法到达。如果你读到了这里，我想问你一个问题：你生活中有多少社交场合的参与效果，可以让新朋友每周来拜访你？如果你的答案是“没有”， 不要害怕，这是很常见的，那么第一步就是开展你的社交活动。

然而，后来我彻底改变了我的生活方式。我经常外出，不顾一切地结交朋友，结识女孩。数百小时的喝酒和试图在夜总会留下深刻印象，什么也没有产生。为什么会这样？答案更微妙。从社交的角度来说，存在是最小的，但仍然远远不能满足社会生活的需要。一个人在什么样的社会环境中存在一段较长的时间，将形成他或她的模式。这种模式，如果足够好，将产生巨大的社交可访问性。意味着人们会注意到你，他们可以有机会来找你。

现在，最重要的部分，如何获得可访问性模式？它同时涉及你的行为和设置。首先，最佳环境是相对稳定且转向良好的环境。此外，这个地方至少应该鼓励有意义的社会交往。现在你明白为什么夜总会和古典健身房不是理想的地方了。在夜总会和健身房环境中，没有什么有意义的互动是不鼓励的。让我们看看一个很好的例子，一个城市攀岩俱乐部。普通爱好者每天都会来长时间训练。好奇的新来者每个周末都冲出房间去测试活动。从绝对初学者到最优秀的资深登山者，每个人都经常遇到巨大的挑战，不断需要讨论、指导、相互帮助和鼓励。最后，经过长时间的训练后，以前的陌生人很可能会一起喝一杯啤酒来结束这一天。我相信你能看到，我不是要你急着去找一个攀岩俱乐部，成为它的会员，来解决你的社交问题。最终，你应该找到你真正喜欢的东西。

一旦选择了一个理想的设置，我们就进入了方程的第二部分，即我们自己的行为：我们如何以一种理想的方式调节我们的存在，以匹配我们选择的最佳设置？答案是稳定和有规律的存在。每两个月出现一次与每周两次的出现完全不同。通过每周两次进行设置，您的知名度逐渐增强。不断增长的知名度与热情和积极的品格相结合，是我们从一开始就寻找的“社交无障碍”的完美配方。

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

When I first came to Paris, France, I have spent a fair amount of years struggling socially. Let me explain what happened exactly.

I didn’t come directly to Paris from my home country. I first landed in a small city called Rennes, in the northwest of France. There I did my master’s degree in a well known business school. Social life was warm and easy on campus, even with the radical change of country for most of us. Now looking back, I think that we all had a social life imposed on us at school. We spent most of the day in the same building, with the same people in our major. We went to the same coffee shop and yelled around the same foosball table for a year. Like it or not, a big amount of people are present constantly around me. With the minimum effort, social life was colorful in no time.

However, my journey in Paris is a totally different story. School days are tough only when we are students. Once left campus, we spend the rest of our life to be nostalgic about the good old time. Paris taught me this the hard way. I finished my master’s and landed on a good internship in Parisian suburb area. With the excitement of the new adventure, I packed up and moved out of my school flat. The first a couple of months were very stressful, there was a deep learning curve at my job and I had to search for an apartment each evening (It was an unbelievable pain in the neck to get a roof in Paris when you don’t have like 30 million euros in your bank account, trust me).

Finally, the transitional period was over. I settled in a cosy small flat and I knew my pay check would come in at the end of the month for the next 6 months. After achieving this relative stableness, I quickly realized that my social life was extremely dry. Locking in a cubic from 9 to 5 did not grant me any friends. My colleagues were all at least 20 years older than me, and other interns my age were so scattered in different services that we rarely came across each other. After work I just came home, there was no longer the usual coffee shop, pool game and the infamous foosball table. That was the moment that I realized that I was at a dead end socially. If you move city after college and happen to have a job that don’t involve you meeting a lot of different people, you know what I mean.

Since then, I started my search for social breakthrough. I tried big and small expatiates parties, social dancing, city walking tour, gym, etc. None of them worked. I was really not proud to say that it took me years to understand that statistically, we do NOT make friends or meet partner in almost all kinds of one shot social gatherings in a modern setting. There’s something more to create and manage a social life than going to whichever Facebook event that looks cool to you.

Recently I had a deeper understanding about this while discussing the subject with a good friend of mine. He is a very popular dude in his social circle: an active rock climbing community in Lyon, France. When I asked how he managed to have such a social success, he slowly revealed the whole truth with honesty with me. No, it is not about being handsome or the most noisy kid in the room. Let me break down the key points from our discussion using both of us as example.

For a nerd like me who has spent the majority of time at home for the first few years, there would be no social life. It is not a myth. There’s no point in blaming the society for this. There was almost no social presence for me. In this case, no matter how many people want to help, there’s no way for me to be reached, period. If you make it this far in your read, I’d like to ask you this question: how many social occasions you have in your life for new people to come to you each week? If your answer is none (don’t be afraid, it’s common), the first step would be to work on your social presence.

However, I’ve radically changed my life style later on. I went out constantly, desperate to make friends and meet girls. Hundreds of hours drinking and trying to impress at night clubs yielded nothing neither. Why is this? There’s more subtlety to the answer. Socially speaking, presence is the minimum but still far from sufficient to a fulfilled social life. How one is present in which sort of social settings for an extended period of time will create his or her pattern. This pattern, if good enough, will generate huge social accessibility. It means that people will notice that you are there and they could have a chance to come to you.

Now, the most important part, how to get a pattern for accessibility? It involves the setting and your behavior simultaneously. Firstly, the best setting is an environment with relative stability and a good turn over. In addition, the place should at least encouraging meaningful social interactions. Now you see why night clubs and classic gyms are not ideal place. There’s no meaningful interaction in night clubs and classic gym environment does not encourage interaction unfortunately. Let’s look at the good example, an urban rock climbing club. Regular enthusiasts come to train long hours every day. Curious new comers flush the room each weekend to test out the activity. From the absolute beginner to the most decorated veteran climber, everybody runs into big challenges constantly. Discussion, coaching, and mutual help are constantly needed and encouraged. Finally, after a long training session, the former strangers are quite likely to grab a bite and drink a quick beer together to end the day. I trust that you can see that I’m not telling you to rush to get a membership of a climbing club to sort out your social situation. Ultimately, you should find something you actually enjoy first.

Once an ideal setting is chosen, we come to the 2nd part of the equation, our own behavior: how do we regulate our presence in an ideal manner to match the best setting we’ve chosen? The answer is stable and regular presence. Being present once every 2 months is totally different than coming twice a week. By being in the setting twice a week, your visibility is gradually building up. The ever growing visibility combining with a warm and positive character, is the perfect recipe for the famous social accessibility we’ve been searching from the very beginning of the article.

《情绪管理十二讲》

巴黎雷欧 著

原书名：Paris gold Key（巴黎金钥匙）

Léo Paris 巴黎雷欧 著

Paris2019

内容简介

这是一本从非常别致的角度解析情绪管理的著作，是从作者的系列心理学讲座中挑选出来的。巴黎雷欧（李由、任由之）的系列心理学讲座，在法国、美国青年中颇受欢迎，特试译为中文版本。

巴黎雷欧著有《跨国公司内部谈判效益论析》（法文版）《法国现代书画艺术评论》（英文版3卷）和《雷欧带你认识法国》《雷欧带你认识巴黎》等书籍。

由于巴黎雷欧现系巴黎远东文化艺术协会负责人，巴黎远东艺术馆、巴黎雷欧珍宝馆和多种媒体及版权交易机构负责人，非常繁忙，所以此译本尚未得巴黎雷欧先生审阅，特此说明。

情绪管理十二讲LéoParis –巴黎雷欧 目录

（中文译本未经巴黎雷欧审阅）

第一讲 轻松成功，有秘诀吗？

第二讲 给你的“自律”放个假

第三讲 决策，可能是伪装的逃避

第四讲 成功的关键在于效率

第五讲 毒性人格，为何不能正常诠释

第六讲 情感脱节，一个危险的症状

第七讲 情绪化，恰恰是因为缺乏感性

第八讲 强烈感觉与自我意识

第九讲 治愈厌倦，参与周围的环境

第十讲 不要让你喜欢的东西杀死你

第十一讲 社交障碍治疗——消除隔离

第十二讲 乐趣和成功之间的差距

Paris gold Key

巴黎金钥匙

Léo Paris

Catalog

Catalog

Key to success with ease

Give your poor self-discipline a break

Decision-making, a highly disguised escape

Key to success with efficiency

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

Disconnected of one’s emotion, the real symptoms

One is extremely moody because he is NOT emotional

Open mindedness and self-awareness

Cure to boredom, engage the environment around you

DON’T find something that you love and let it kill you

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

The gap between having fun and being successful

著者简介

巴黎雷欧（Léo Paris），曾用名李由，任由之，巴黎大学国际经济研究生毕业，曾任通用电气公司欧亚总部经理及新浪欧洲财经特邀记者，著有《晨曦集》《在成长》《跨国公司内部谈判》（法）《情绪管理十二讲》（法）《远东文化艺术》（法）《巴黎雷欧艺术评论》（法，3卷）《简明国际商务》（考研辅导用书）《国际谈判哲学》（法）《国际谈判实务》（华）等。

巴黎雷欧